Christmas Is a Bitch

My child, my first child, is still learning what his feet are. So, I can not officially say that I have experience telling him to go to hell when he tells me he wants the “it” toy of the year. But I will. I never had that toy, my parents didn’t pay hundreds of dollars in a bidding war the day before Christmas for a glorified doll; I didn’t even get a Chia Pet. And I have absolutely no recollection of any of the things that were supposed to rock our toy worlds, (except for that goddamn Chia Pet). It’s not that I don’t appreciate encouraging your children’s whimsy. It’s that I’m lazy, cheap, and know by the week after Christmas, my kid won’t give a flying fuck.

This Won’t Be Inspirational

Never Have I Ever: Blogged.

Actually, I have. It was pretty bad, and I was trying really hard. ACTUALLY, I plan on trying really hard for this one, too. Because I want to be liked and have people laugh at my jokes. But also, fuck you, I’m hilarious.

Anyways, I briefly blogged but not a lot, nor successfuly. So, I guess I should say, Never Have I Ever: Blogged Well.

I plan to document and, I can only assume, embellish the goings on in my new life as a new mother. I’ll talk about the life I lead with my partner, our kid, and our creatures. I plan to do so with comedy, vulgarity, and focus heavily on making myself feel funny and showing you pretty pictures I took. So, fuck yeah.